Game Of Thrones Power Rankings: Season 4, Episode 9

Here’s the Power Ranking highlights following last night’s wall-centric penultimate episode for season four. As always, SPOILER ALERT, and the full rankings in their entirety can be found here.

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Just the tip

3) Jon Snow – For someone who just recently returned to the Night’s Watch after spending a good deal of time raiding with a particularly savage pack of wildlings, Jon seems to have an enormous amount of respect and trust from the black brothers who aren’t named Thorne. In the wake of Ser Alliser’s wounding and “Ser” Janos’ self-gelding, Lord Snow took over as the de facto leader of the Lord Commander-less Castle Black, and led his brothers to what is ultimately a pointless, delaying-of-the-inevitable “victory” over 1/1000th of Mance Rayder’s army. Congratulations on that. Given the show’s penchant for killing our favorite characters only when we least expect it, hopefully Jon, who is off for a spot of tea with the King Beyond the Wall and Tyrion, who has a hot date with Ser Illyn Payne, will survive through to season five.

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In this picture, a person is lying.

30) Samwell Tarly – Where the hell did all that come from? Sam the Slayer, who’s greatest talents to date seemed to include stammering, wetting himself and crying in the face of literally the slightest hint of danger, suddenly turned into fat Sparticus, shouting down Pyp to force him to let Gilly in, inspiring him during the battle and not losing his shit after Pyp sprouted an arrow from his neck (courtesy Ygrette), and just in general surviving a battle many did not without needing to hide in the thrice-damned pantry (I see you, Janos). Sam rockets up the power rankings this week.

37) Alliser Thorne – Let’s be real here: screw Thorne. I hate him, and for good reason. He’s a dick, he plotted to have Jon killed on more than one occasion, he’s thick-headed and won’t listen to reason and he probably kicks puppies. That being said, he showed last night that the black brothers could certainly do worse for a Lord Commander. He admitted to Jon he’d been wrong about the tunnel, albeit far too late and with no hint of apology, and delivered a riveting speech to the men facing almost certain death at the hands of Tormund’s raiders, giving his tired and beaten brothers a second wind, and led the charge himself. So, naturally, he had to take a stomach wound that will likely end up killing him. Easy come, easy go.

52) Tormund – He was ultimately defeated, though he remained standing at the battle’s end with several arrows sticking out of him. But Tormund got the job done, forcing the Night’s Watch to fight a two-front battle, splitting the defenses so Mance could test the wall. The wildlings now know they have the overwhelming numbers, and will soon overwhelm Castle Black, then the North, and then the whole of Westeros. Game over, good run guys.

70) That punk kid that shot Ygrette – You’ve robbed up of this for the rest of the show’s duration:

Thanks a lot. I hope you put your eye out with that toy bow you used to kill our favorite wildling. You know nothing.

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BRB *sobs uncontrollably*

79)Ygrette – Oh, George. You heartless, evil bastard. Ygrette, who was all kinds of fired up to put an arrow through the bastard of Winterfell’s eye socket while sitting around the wildling campfire, found herself unable to loose when brought face to face with a defenseless Jon Snow, who was fresh off your classic hammer-embedded-in-skull kill. Just as it seemed like they might be able to reunite just as Gilly and Sam had earlier in the episode, elevator kid sent a shaft through her belly. Sigh.

82(tie) Pyp and Grenn – Pyp had to be reminded several times to keep firing his crossbow, with which he had an accuracy rating somewhere around Stormtrooper range, by Samwell freaking Tarly before taking an arrow to the throat. Grenn led a group of five bad-ass new gods down to the gate on a suicide mission to take on a god damned giant. So, in truth, Grenn had a much stronger day. But Jon Snow’s two besties deserve to ride into that good night together. And now their watch is ended.

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“A story for children”

100) Janos Slynt – I’m breaking my rule that dead man can’t be more powerful than the living with this one. The erstwhile commander of the gold cloaks turned in what was easily the most cowardly performance in the show’s four year run, denying the existence of the giants he was literally staring at before being given an out by Grenn, who told him he was needed below. Back at sea level, he scampered forth, unsheathed his mighty weapon (read: key) from its scabbard (read: pocket), and thrust it deep into the belly of his foe (read: door). There he was confronted by the terrifying Gilly and her suckling babe, from whom he cowered in fear in the pantry corner until he was rescued by Sam the Slayer.

Posted on June 9, 2014, in Game of Thrones, Power Rankings and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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