Monthly Archives: December 2014
Well the holidays can be a real stressful time, huh? Long trips, planning events and dealing with extended family can be a tall task, not to mention the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping and maintaining your budget (and your waistline! wink wink) as we head into a new year. Boy, wouldn’t it be nice to take a step back for a minute, relax* and think about some fun Christmas trivia?
Well I’m here to help, pals. With the holiday spirit in mind I, your intermittent Wisconsin sports and entertainment blogger, have compiled a couple of amusing Christmas-themed facts, which you can use to impress your friends at your next ugly sweater party. Ho ho ho!
1) Gingerbread isn’t that good. On a desserts scale of 1-10, where one is black licorice and ten is Dairy Queen Ice Cream Cake (the indisputable king of cakes and of sweets in general), gingerbread cookies are about a three. If you are at a Christmas party with a dessert table, the gingerbread cookies are almost certainly in the bottom half of your available options.
2) ‘Xmas’ is not a mean-spirited abbreviation of Christmas invented by the secular world to insult Christians and “take the Christ out of Christmas.” The X comes from the first letter of the Greek word for Christ, ‘chi’, which is represented by a symbol very similar to the letter X. If you are a Christian who is offended by Xmas you should not be, and if you are a non-Christian who intends offense by it, you are doing a very bad job and should explore other options. For instance, you could try not being a dick.
3) The best Christmas movie is Elf. Other Christmas movies that are good include Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown, Home Alone, Dr. Suess’ How The Grinch Stole Chirstmas! (1966 animated version only), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and Mickey’s Christmas Carol. The preceding list is not comprehensive.
4) Die Hard would be on the preceding list if it were a Christmas movie, but it is not.
5) The answer to “Is The Nightmare Before Christmas a Christmas movie or a Halloween movie?” is yes.
6) If you kiss an unwilling member of the opposite sex but you held mistletoe above their head first, you have still committed fourth degree sexual assault. If you do this to your spouse or significant other, you have committed being adorable, and it is advised that your partner put a ring on it, should they have failed to do so previously.
7) The Best Christmas song is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”. This is tied to the fact that Elf is the best Christmas movie. It is strongly advised to maintain a cohesive Christmas entertainment experience.
8) It is appropriate to listen to Christmas music at any time from December 23-December 26, and at any and all holiday themed events and gatherings during the months of December and January. It is not advisable to play Christmas music at any other time.
9) If you are a non-Christian who is offended when a stranger wishes you a “Merry Christmas” while you are out in public during the Christmas season, an appropriate response would be for you to shut up.
10) The year that a child transitions from being disappointed about receiving clothes for Christmas (As opposed to toys, not nothing. Be grateful, kids.) to being glad is one of the earliest indicators of the onset of adulthood, and should be met with praise.
11) The celebration of Christmas on December 25th likely has it’s origins in pagan holidays celebrating the winter solstice. The actual birth of Christ was probably closer to nobody cares at all, just eat the damn cookies.
12) Santa Claus does not exist, except in our collective imaginations. The men dressed as Santa Claus at malls and at holiday events are paid actors or volunteers. However, it is strictly forbidden to reveal this fact to any child under the age of 12. To do so, even accidentally, is tantamount to child abuse. It is best to pretend that Santa Claus is real if you even suspect there might be a child within a two mile radius.
13) The correct main dish for Christmas dinner is glazed ham. The turkey was for Thanksgiving, and you should be saving your steak and shrimp for next week’s New Year’s Day party. If you are a vegetarian, you are not a vegetarian on Christmas.
14) The earliest you are allowed to put up Christmas lights and decorations is the day after Thanksgiving. They may remain up until you damn well feel like taking them down because it’s really cold outside and you’re kind of tired, so everyone just chill out already. In colder climates, it is permissible to simply wait until Easter rolls around and replace all decorations at that time, however lights may not be activated after the new year.
15) Although poinsettias have a bad rap, they are in fact only mildly toxic to household pets and contact with the traditional Christmastime plant rarely requires medical attention. Also, just don’t put your plants on the floor and train your pets to stay off of tables and you won’t have a problem, will you? Don’t be lazy pet owner.
*Relax™ used with permission of Aaron Rodgers, Jason Wilde and 540 ESPN
^Neither of these claims is true (unless there are children present)