NostraTravis’s Pretty Good NFL Draft Blog

Who is that?

Woah, who the heck is that?

It’s me, NostraTravis. Here to tell you about which players are going to go where in the NFL draft today, tomorrow, this weekend, and throughout the seven-week long odyssey that is the National Football League’s Fourth Annual Acquisition of Additional Human Sacrifice Volunteers (“It’s a BloodBath!”TM).

Nah, not really. I’m not going to do that. There’s a million folks who are doing that already. I mean that literally — there are 1.27 million different mock drafts available on websites such as: google.com, sports.com, nfldraft.com, whotheheckisgonnagetdrafted.com, pornhub.com, football.com, footballers.com, pigskinsRus.com, and many others. So we’re not going to do that, because even I, the great NostraTravis, don’t really know, and who the heck even cares anyway. I wasn’t going to do anything at all for the draft because I try to avoid the waves of NFL coverage after the Super Bowl until at least August if I can, but there was some popular demand, and dang it friends I am a man of the people.

Instead, we’re going to talk about a couple of the guys that I sure hope the Packers can draft tonight, and maybe a few later this weekend that might be neat. But first! A list of players the Packers will definitely not draft tonight:

  • Jameis Winston – Winston will be drafted before it is the Packers turn, and anyway they already have a quarterback who’s pretty good, maybe you’ve heard of him, his name is Aaron. Idiot. Surprised you didn’t know that.
  • Cleatus – Cleatus is the football robot that began it’s rise to power in 2005 and now runs all of Fox Sports programming with an iron (literally) fist. It is widely rumored that Terry Bradshaw talks like that now because Cleatus punched him in the head, causing severe brain damange. Cleatus is not eligible for the NFL Draft, because he is not a human being.
  • Melvin Gordon III – Stop being silly.
  • Shane “Footsteps” Falco – Footsteps is a great young quarterback who had an incredible performance in the Sugar Bowl. However, he is also a fictional character, and as such is not eligible for this year’s draft.
  • Jake Kumerow – The former UW-Whitewater standout wide receiver is a pretty good football player, but he is not a first round talent. It would be quite a stretch if Ted Thompson were to select him with the 30th overall pick.

FINE we’ll do some real actual #analysis, you big babies. Fine, are you happy? The Packers most glaring needs are on the defensive side of the ball, as they had an exodus of sorts on that side of the ball. At inside linebacker, the Packers lost A.J. Hawk, Jamari Lattimore and Brad Jones (the latter is addition by subtraction, of course), and at cornerback, the Packers will move on without Tramon Williams and Davon House; all five of those players left through free agency/were cut. That leaves them perilously thin at both positions, especially ILB, where their best player is 2013 fourth-round pick Sam Barrington (assuming Clay Matthews shifts back to the outside).

While ILB is Green Bay’s primary position of need, that’s a position where talent can generally still be found on days two and three. By contrast, the elite secondary players are going to fly off the shelves early; last year’s first round saw nine defensive backs selected, including our very own Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. Assuming Thompson doesn’t just decide to trade out of the first round altogether (a rather hefty assumption), ┬áhere’s a couple of guys he might target tonight:

Jalen Collins, CB, LSU

There’s little doubt about Collins talent: he’s rated at the 5th cornerback in the draft by ESPN. However, it was revealed just a few days ago that Collins had failed “multiple” drug tests at LSU (not that the NCAA would give a rip about that as long as he didn’t sign his name on the joints before he inhaled them). Or course, Thompson has a history of not worrying too much about off-the-field issues; he brought Johnny Jolly back after his stint in jail, resigned Letroy Guion after his arrest this off-season, and drafted Colt Lyerla last year (the latter may have given him some pause, however).

Byron Jones, CB, Connecticut

You may remember Jones as the fellow who broke not only the combine record, but the world record as well, in the broad jump back in February. If broad jumping were worth any points in the NFL, Jones would probably be one of the first players drafted tonight, but it’s not. It does speak to his athleticism however. Considered more of a third day prior to the combine, Jones rocketed up to possible first round territory with his performance there.

Eric Rowe, CB, Utah

Rather than pretending I know much of anything about Rowe, I’ll just point you to Acme Packing Co., where Evan Western (@TexWestern) posted a piece about him yesterday morning.

Maxx Williams, TE, Minnesota

A little bit outside the box here, as Williams fits neither position of greatest need and the Packers just spent a third round pick on Richard Rodgers last year, who showed flashes of ability. But Williams is the best tight end in this class by a significant margin, and Rodgers (Aaron, that is) an the Packers offense struggled mightily at the beginning of last season as the Packers desperately sought a tight end who could make some plays offensively.

Anyway, I want to just quick close by saying that if you spend this evening watching the draft instead of Bucks-Bulls game six, what in the entire world is wrong with you? Get your head on straight. The best way to follow the draft is to check the internet when it is over because there is zero benefit to watching Kiper and McShay drone on about who cares what, and don’t even get me started on Chris Berman. Go Bucks. Fear The Dear.

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Posted on April 30, 2015, in NostraTravis, Packers and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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