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The dang Brewers are bad: 5 ways to enjoy the game anyway

You're a spade

You’re a spade.

Okay, folks friends. Now, let’s not beat around the bush or anything, let’s just talk about the dang elephant in the room. Let’s really get down to brass tacks here. Let’s call a spade a spade. It’s time to face the music, people. It really is.

The Brewers are the worst dang baseball team in the whole league.

And it’s just the pits.

So what are you gonna do? If you’re like me (you know, not totally like me, but a little bit I guess is what I’m saying, anyway just shut up and listen, will you), then you’ve got this whole big stack of Brewers tickets for the rest of the season, because you know, maybe you didn’t think they were going to win the World Series or anything like that, and maybe the playoffs were really a long shot all along if we’re being honest with ourselves, but you kind of figured they’d be playing some meaningful baseball for at least a couple months, and darn it, going to the ball game is just a good time all around, anyway.

But instead the days of the Brewers playing meaningful baseball are already over, and holy crap will you just look at that, it’s not even May yet for Pete’s sake. What in the world! That’s right, at 4-17 (as of Tuesday night), the Brewers are already 10 games out of first place. TEN GAMES! In April! They have a -52 run differential, which is 15 runs worse than the next worst team, Philadelphia. As a team, they are ranked 27th in ERA, 29th in OPS and 27th in Fielding%, the latter of which isn’t even a good stat but shut up the point is, they aren’t good at any of the three parts of playing a baseball game. Plus they keep wearing those Dwight Schrute uniforms, so they don’t even look good while the look bad.

But we’re not here to beat any dead horses, that’s what we have @HoustonRockets for. So just how the heck are you going to have any fun at Miller Park this summer with the Milwaukee Nine playing like the Indians at the beginning of Major League? I’ve heard your cries for help:

“We need a solution, Travis!”
Yeah, I know you do, friends.
“The Brewers sure are bad, aren’t they, bud?”
Yup.
“What are we to do, Travis? Die in our beds?”
Quit bein’ so dramatic. I’m here to help with some handy tips on how to really spice up your game-day experience:

1) Drink a lot

The seems like it goes without saying maybe, and shouldn’t necessarily be a significant alteration in your normal game-day routine. Here, I merely suggest drinking slightly-to-moderately more than you would normally. If your tailgating program normally calls for 2-3 beers, perhaps have 3-5 beers instead. If you are 21 years old, you might consider shotgunning two beers (a double-barreled shotgun, if you will), or perhaps a tallboy, rather than the customary single 12 oz. can. Of course, I stress here the importance of a designated driver to make sure you and all your fellow fans get home safely. In the absence of a willing teetotaler, I urge you to consider Uber, which now has it’s own designated pick-up parking lot right next to the Brat Haus.

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You sure don’t want to see this on your date!

2) Take a pretty girl to the game with you

Or a handsome man, okay, that’s fine, ladies and gay dudes. We are accepting of all cultures here. All I’m saying is, you know, most things are more fun if you can bring a nice-looking person of your chosen gender along with you. Y’all can have a nice chat, maybe enjoy some delicious ballpark nachos, and just really see where the night takes you. In fact, there are only a few places where bringing along a hot date would make things less fun:

  • A prostate exam, OBGYN appointment, or colonoscopy.
  • Your own wedding
  • Oddly enough, the movie theater to see 50 Shades of Gray
  • To fight Batman (no one wants to see you get your butt kicked, loser)
  • A Magic: The Gathering tournament
  • Gary, Indiana

3) Root for some other team

This isn’t necessarily a suggestion for enjoying games that you are attending at Miller Park, but rather for having a nice time during the MLB season in general. Now, I do not want to confuse anyone here: I am not advocating abandoning the Brewers or actively rooting for them to lose so that they acquire a better draft pick; that stuff is for jabronis. When you’re at the game, you just better root, root, root for the home team. I simply want to give you the opportunity to watch a team that has a chance to make some noise in October this year. Here’s a few top options:

  • Kansas City Royals – Did you like rooting for the Brewers during the 2006-2008 seasons? Well guess what, most of those guys are here now. The Royals lineup features former Brewers top prospects Alcides Escobar and Lorenzo Cain, and of course, they’re managed by statewide pariah and world-renowned George W. Bush impersonator Ned Yost. They also have the same style as those nasty jerks from the mid-aughts Brewers that so offended the official Keepers of the Unwritten Rules of Baseball. They may have gone too far a week or so ago, but it’s really, really hard to blame anyone for throwing balls at Brett Lawrie.
  • Whichever team is playing against St. Louis – This has been my second favorite team for years. I’m really looking forward to them hopefully having a great season.
  • Houston Astros – Guess whose got a four game lead in the AL West, that’s right you guessed it, it’s the dang Astros. Why not root for the Astros? Why not?
  • Los Angeles Dodgers – They’re gonna win so you might as well root for the winner if you’re gonna pick another team anyway.
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This is a silly hat, for example

4) Wear a silly hat

There’s all kinds of silly hats you can wear. This one time, myself and a bunch of friends got roaring drunk and entered a kickball tournament, all wearing a bunch of silly hats from my house. There was a guy with a Packers helmet on, one lady wore a bike helmet, and I was wearing a festive felt chicken hat, like the one pictured to the left. The other team was a bunch of people in their 30s and 40s who had blue kickball uniforms and even wore matching baseball pants. They beat us by 30, but I like to imagine that we left with a greater degree of dignity than they did, having taken a kickball game so seriously. Any time a guy wearin’ a dopey chicken hat on his head thinks he’s ahead of you in the dignity standings, it’s time to reevaluate some choices.

Anyway, wear a silly hat to the Brewers game, who cares anyway. Just make sure it doesn’t obstruct the view of the people behind you.

5) Tacos

Find a way to incorporate tacos into your game-day routine. Tacos are the best food and eating a taco will always make a day better than it was before you ate any tacos. For a baseball themed taco, you can try topping your taco with bits of shaved baseballs or splinters from broken bats. Just make sure they’re new ones from the store and not game-used, or else you might get some dirty bits and your taco might be ruined; ruining a taco is among the gravest of game-day sins.

Can you think of any other ways to enjoy a baseball game featuring a bad team, just have a nice time during the summer in general, or do you own a cat? Sound off in the comment section below!

First enjoy the ride, then MEET THE WILDCATS

CA0vQbGWgAAOrWLBefore we dive into Wisconsin’s next opponent, who we certainly hope is the first of two consecutive Wildcats, let’s just take a moment to step back and really enjoy what’s happening right now. Are you ready? 3, 2, 1…

Wow.

The Badgers are back in the Elite 8 for the second consecutive year, a feat never before accomplished by Wisconsin since the tournament’s expansion to 64 teams in 1985. Prior to last year, they hadn’t gotten this far since 2005. So, win or lose on Saturday, this has been incredible, and I want you to enjoy it. Because this is sports, and sports is supposed to be fun. Of course we want more, but let’s not forget to enjoy the ride.

Obviously, this is by far the most talented Badgers roster in the expansion era. But more than that…this team is fun. You love them. I love them. Frank, Sam, Nigel…they’re not only bright stars and locks to be first round picks (but maybe, just maybe, not until 2016, in the case of Sam and Nigel), they’re characters. Just, just LOOK at this:

Are you kidding me Nigel? This is the 100% most endearing moment in sports history (no that is not hyperbole). Nigel is just like us! He thinks girls are pretty too! He accidentally tells an entire room and, subsequently, the entire nation about it too! He has to bury his face in his hands in embarrassment too! I LOVE you Nigel. Never, ever change. How about Sam and Frank, you following them on Twitter? How about the rest of the team? WHY THE HECK NOT!?

I think it’s good to be reminded that these guys are just kids. They’re 19, 20, 21 years old, and they are out there on the big stage, and rather than letting the pressure crush them, they’re out there having the time of their lives. I love this team, so much. Thank you, the 2015 Wisconsin Badgers Men’s Basketball team.

Now then, on with it.

#2 Arizona Wildcats62627
34-3 (16-2, 1st in Pac-12)

How did they get here?
Arizona blew through their half of the West bracket with relative ease, cruising past #15 Texas Southern and #10 Ohio St. with 21 and 15 point wins, respectively. Xavier gave them a bit of a scare, keeping up with the ‘Cats in what was a one possession game throughout until about two minutes left, when Arizona pulled away slightly for an eight point win.

Arizona earned the automatic bid from the Pac-12 as a result of winning their conference tournament, which was of course a mere formality. The Wildcats were a top-10 team throughout the season. None of the three teams that beat them this season had winning conference records, so they are obviously very bad and vastly overrated.

Who is their best player?
Freshman forward Stanley Johnson is the guy whose name is on the marquee. But Arizona is very similar to Wisconsin and Kentucky in that their entire starting five is strong. T.J. McConnell is very good at basketball. Brandon Ashley is very good at basketball. Rondae Hollis-Jefferson is very good at basketball. Kaleb Tarczewski is very good at basketball. No one in their starting lineup averages less than nine points per game. Additionally, none of them are as good at basketball as Frank Kaminsky III.

Can the Wildcats beat Wisconsin?
Yeah, sure they could. But they just better not.

Just exactly WHAT is happening in that picture up there, Trav?
Oh, I’ll feed you, baby birds. That photo was taken during the 2006 marriage renewal of vows ceremony undertaken by U of A’s mascots, Wilbur and Wilma. They were first married in 1986, just eight months after they met at Wilma’s debut — you don’t usually expect a marriage that is rushed like that to work out, but damn it if they aren’t still going strong 28 years later. Wilbur mainly handles men’s basketball and football, and is normally found wearing the uniform of whichever sport he is actively supporting. Wilma’s main focuses are women’s basketball and volleyball, but she pretty much only wears her cheerleading outfit, because Arizona is filled with old white men who remain unaware that some women like and participate in sports.

What is the best case scenario?
A repeat of last year’s Elite Eight meeting between these two schools when the seeds were flipped, a back-and-forth thriller that the Badgers won in overtime. That game too was in California, though in that case the home-court advantage held by Arizona was actually fair, given the seeding. Kaminsky put up 28 and 11 in the Badgers’ 64-63 OT win last year, but the Badgers will need to have great games from all their stars; both of these teams are improved over last year.

What is the worst case scenario?
Up two with 4.9 remaining in the game, Kaminsky steps to the line to shoot two and seal the game. Both shots miss, with the second agonizingly circling the rim twice before falling off. McConnell grabs the rebound and outlets to Johnson, who darts past half court and sinks a 35-foot prayer with Gasser’s hand down his throat. Wisconsin sports fans are left picking up the pieces as certain victory is replaced with agonizing defeat for the third time in 12 months.

The Only 50 Shades of Grey Recap You Need

God bless you, Derek, you wonderful bastard. Stay tuned for the review of 50 Shades Darker, coming soon.