#1 Kentucky WIldcats
38-0 (18-0, 1st in SEC)
How did they get here?
Just what in the sam heck are you askin’ me that for, you some kind of dummy? Well guess what if you never lose any games I guess that means you’ll be in the Final Four. Kentucky put the boots to #16 Hampton and #8 Cincinnati, medium style, to make the second weekend. Then some jabroni that plays for #5 West Virginia went and guaranteed victory over Kentucky, forgetting that you definitely should not anger the frickin’ Terminator, so the WIldcats doubled up the Moutaineers just for laughs. They won a classic over #3 Notre Dame to punch their ticket to in de Annapolis.
Who is their best player?
Take your dang pick. You can’t really go wrong with either of the dudes with three names, Willie Caulie-Stein and Karl-Anthony Towns. Or you can go with either one of the Harrison twins, Aaron and Andrew, although you just better not because I sure do not like them. Their best player is probably ‘depth’: the Wildcats have eight players that average more than 20 minutes per game (though one of those is Alex Poythress, who was lost for the season in December).
Can the Wildcats beat Wisconsin?
Yeah duh of course they can, what’re ya asking me all these silly questions for? The Wildcats are the best darn team in the country, it’ll be really hard for the Badgers to win this game. But they just might do it: Kentucky is long and tall and have been dominating their opponents with size, but WIsconsin is long and tall as well. This game features the best offense in the nation against the best defense in the nation and I think it’s just gonna be a really great game that Wisconsin will win.
Hey Travis, the WIldcats sure are good. Do you think they could beat the Philadelphia 76ers?
No stop that right now, what in the world is wrong with you? Kentucky has probably seven or eight future NBA players, some of them might be good but who knows, none of them have ever played in the NBA before. The Sixers have 12 NBA players because they are an NBA team. If they played a seven game series Philadelphia would win all seven games by 30.
What is the best case scenario?
The Badgers put a gosh darn whoopin’ on those good ol’ Kentucky boys, cruising to a 12 point win and earning a championship game rematch against Duke, because I hate Michigan St., get real.
What is the worst case scenario?
Kentucky sticks Badgers fans with a heartbreaking loss, as Aaron Harrison drills another impossible three with time running out to send Wisconsin home saying, “What if,” for the second consecutive year.
Hey there loyal friends of Bucky’s Beer Cheese Co., guess what time it is, that’s right it’s March Madness time. It’s time once again to watch in awe as the world’s greatest basketball-playing indentured servants perform on the big stage for our delight and amusement while very old white men make a lot of money. “Well when you put it like that it kind of puts a damper on our enjoyment of the tournament, Travis” well it should, folks aren’t being treated fairly and not all of these guys are going to go to the NBA, so we just have to keep it in mind while we drink a lot of beers and watch basketball games. Thinking about how bad a problem is is the 2015 version of helping to fix a problem.
Anyway that’s out of the way, so we just better get down to business. “Well you know Travis, I haven’t watched a lot of NCAA basketball this year, I just don’t know much about the players and teams, how can I hope to compete in this year’s office bracket pool?” Well don’t you worry about that, I’m here to help with some #BracketFacts that will help you to beat “Susan in Accounting who only picks based on Mascots” . And who knows? We might just have a few laughs along the way. Everything that follows is 100% true and nothing is made up by me at all.
- Many Badgers fans were relieved when Wisconsin received a #1 seed and avoided being stuck in undefeated Kentucky’s Midwest bracket. I remain disappointed however, as I was hoping the Badgers might be able to avoid Kentucky’s whole half of the bracket, or even avoid their tournament entirely. Unfortunately the Badgers were not invited to the NIT, which would likely have been a much more winnable tournament for them.
- Because they were selected into #1 Kentucky’s bracket, many of the teams in the Midwest seeded five or lower have chosen not to participate in the tournament this year, opting instead to plan a vacation together to Six Flags over Texas. Curiously, the #11 Texas Longhorns still plan make the trip up to Pittsburgh for their opening round game, where they will face #6 Butler’s co-ed intramural basketball champions.
- Because the tournament starts on St. Patrick’s Day, #3 Notre Dame is expected to benefit from a significant supernatural boost which should help them easily reach the second weekend. Also working in Notre Dame’s favor is the support of Taylor Swift, official singer-songwriter of Bucky’s Beer Cheese Co., whose brother Austin attends school there as a junior. The support of Taylor and St. Patrick is expected to help the Fighting Irish force Kentucky to use their starters for at least the entire first half in order to maintain a double digit scoring margin.
Who will win the Midwest? Despite the aid of two deities, the Irish will not be able to overcome the Kentucky Wildcats, who will have all five of the best basketball players in the building in almost every game they play.
Upset Special: The #2 Kansas Jayhawks have been ducking them for years, but they won’t be able to avoid the #7 Wichita St. Shockers should both teams advance to the second round (only #15 Texas Southern and Tom Crean’s Indiana Hoosiers stand in the way, so no worries there, folks). I expect the criminally under-seeded Shockers to pull off the mild upset over their in-state rivals and crown themselves the kings of the most homophobic state of all time.
- It is commonly known that a 16 seed has never defeated a 1 seed. One reason for this is that top seeded teams are often very good at basketball and have a lot of future NBA players on their rosters, while 16 seeds are usually not very good at all. Could this be the year that a #1 finally falls? No, Villanova seems like they are pretty good and no one has heard of the #16 Lafayette Leopards.
- If you didn’t catch the America East tournament final on Saturday morning, you missed the best game of Championship Week: #14 Albany drilled a desperation three off of a tipped rebound with 1.6 seconds remaining to give the Great Danes their first lead of the half and the victory over Stony Brook, who had led by seven with less than two minutes to play. That’s not enough for you? Try this on for size: the game winner was the only three pointer the Great Danes made all day (they went 1-10), and the kid who sank it, Junior Peter Hooley, missed eight games in January and February to be with his mother, who passed away from cancer in Australia. March is magic, y’all.
- One fun fact about this bracket is that there will not be any upsets at all, and all the higher seeded teams will win all the games. The NCAA has set the East bracket up as it’s control group as it monitors several experiments going on in the Midwest, West and South.
Who will win the East? The #2 Virginia Cavaliers will win the East. This is not considered an upset because I am the writer and I get to make up the rules whenever I want.
Upset Special: Unfortunately there will be no upsets in the East bracket.
- Lots of folks have pointed out that our #1 Wisconsin Badgers are set up for a FInal Four rematch with Kentucky, should the Badgers manage to get that far. Those folks have also pointed out that three of the four teams the Badgers beat on their Final Four run are all back in Wisconsin’s region: a rematch with #8 Oregon is possible in round two, and either #2 Arizona or #3 Baylor will most likely be waiting for them in the Elite Eight. One thing no one is talking about? The long-standing rivalry between the Badgers and their first round opponent, #16 Coastal Carolina, which dates back to 1991. Throw out the records when these teams meet: both of their previous meetings were decided by less than 40 points.
- One intriguing match-up in the first round is between #4 North Carolina, currently in the midst of an academic fraud scandal that has mysteriously (read: not at all mysteriously) resulted in no sanctions against its high profile basketball team, and #13 Harvard, a school that angers the NCAA brass by attempting to care more about education than sport. The difference in skill level on the basketball court is nearly as large as the gap in the educations the basketball players at these institutions receive, so unfortunately the Tar Heels will win by a lot of points.
- Y’all remember Kevin Ware, the former Louisville guard who decided that his tibia would better serve him if it were outside of his body in a 2013 Elite Eight game vs. Duke? Well he’s back, this time with #14 Georgia State (coincidentally, his coach suffered a torn Achilles during the celebration of the team’s Sun Belt tournament final win). If you’re interested in seeing him in action, I hope that you are free during the Panthers’ game against #3 Baylor, because their team is not very good and they will definitely not win.
Who will win the West? Get ultimately real the Wisconsin Badgers are going to beat all the teams by 30 points, including the teams they do not play.
Upset Special: The #11 BYU Cougars should dispatch #11 Ole Miss easily in their First Four game, then will defeat #6 Xavier as well in a match-up of Christian traditions whose ideologies seems strange and hypocritical to outsiders. Hooray!
- If you root for Duke that is okay, because everyone is entitled to do whatever they want, so what, but you should understand that everyone around you and everyone that you know thinks that you are a bad person, and also you will probably get stung by a wasp this summer, and you are the reason that Brussels sprouts taste like that.
- Some people were very upset that #11 UCLA not only received a tournament bid, but avoided the First Four entirely. A lot of folks are supposing that the NCAA did this because UCLA has a lot more fans and will draw a much larger TV audience for their first round game in which they will lose by a whole bunch of points to #6 Southern Methodist. The real reason UCLA earned the bid is because the tournament committee consulted Susan from Accounting, and together they agreed that a Bruin would totally beat up Colorado St.’s Rams and Temple’s Owls, probably at the same time if they wanted. It should also be noted that #14 Alabama Birmingham’s nickname is the Blazers, which is represented by fire-breathing dragon — they should be Susan’s pick this year
- A person I know attended #3 Iowa State, so I hope that they will emerge from this bracket, but they will not.
Who will win the East? Even though no one will like it, Duke will win the East. Everyone who has a conscious will be sad about it, but sometimes we all have to suffer through adversity, for without pain there can be no pleasure.
Upset Special: I would like to see the #13 Eastern Washington Eagles beat #4 Georgetown, mostly because of this article from SB Nation. I think they will be able to do it because the Hoyas are not very good and they will probably lose. I also think #12 Stephen F. Austin can knock off #5 Utah, resulting in TOTAL BRACKET COLLAPSE which is my very favorite thing.
WHO WILL WIN THE WHOLE DANG THING?
Well there’s only one way to find out, isn’t there? I can’t give away all the secrets, or you’ll all just tie me when I have a perfect bracket. If you want to find out who I think will win all the games, you’ll just have to join the official Bracket Challenge of Bucky’s Beer Cheese Co., which you can do here. You are allowed to join this group up to two times. You can also see how you stack up against Susan from Accounting, who has entered the contest herself. If you are the winner, you will win a Carlos Gomez Gold Glove bobble head! Wow that sure is a good deal. If you are dead last, you will be forced to spend an entire Saturday evening hanging out with me and doing things that I think are fun. Sucks to be you!
1. This joke courtesy of every person who has ever talked about an NCAA tournament office bracket pool ever. If Susan doesn’t know squat about basketball, how the hell does she know what Coastal Carolina’s mascot is!?! Susan is a ringer trying to act like she’s clueless. I’m fucking on to you, Susan. “I just think a Wildcat would beat all those other mascots, that’s why I picked Kentucky” bullshit Susan, a Mountaineer would kill a Wildcat every time, they do that shit every day and you know it Susan, you know all about Willie Cauley-Stein.[back]