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The dang Brewers are bad: 5 ways to enjoy the game anyway

You're a spade

You’re a spade.

Okay, folks friends. Now, let’s not beat around the bush or anything, let’s just talk about the dang elephant in the room. Let’s really get down to brass tacks here. Let’s call a spade a spade. It’s time to face the music, people. It really is.

The Brewers are the worst dang baseball team in the whole league.

And it’s just the pits.

So what are you gonna do? If you’re like me (you know, not totally like me, but a little bit I guess is what I’m saying, anyway just shut up and listen, will you), then you’ve got this whole big stack of Brewers tickets for the rest of the season, because you know, maybe you didn’t think they were going to win the World Series or anything like that, and maybe the playoffs were really a long shot all along if we’re being honest with ourselves, but you kind of figured they’d be playing some meaningful baseball for at least a couple months, and darn it, going to the ball game is just a good time all around, anyway.

But instead the days of the Brewers playing meaningful baseball are already over, and holy crap will you just look at that, it’s not even May yet for Pete’s sake. What in the world! That’s right, at 4-17 (as of Tuesday night), the Brewers are already 10 games out of first place. TEN GAMES! In April! They have a -52 run differential, which is 15 runs worse than the next worst team, Philadelphia. As a team, they are ranked 27th in ERA, 29th in OPS and 27th in Fielding%, the latter of which isn’t even a good stat but shut up the point is, they aren’t good at any of the three parts of playing a baseball game. Plus they keep wearing those Dwight Schrute uniforms, so they don’t even look good while the look bad.

But we’re not here to beat any dead horses, that’s what we have @HoustonRockets for. So just how the heck are you going to have any fun at Miller Park this summer with the Milwaukee Nine playing like the Indians at the beginning of Major League? I’ve heard your cries for help:

“We need a solution, Travis!”
Yeah, I know you do, friends.
“The Brewers sure are bad, aren’t they, bud?”
Yup.
“What are we to do, Travis? Die in our beds?”
Quit bein’ so dramatic. I’m here to help with some handy tips on how to really spice up your game-day experience:

1) Drink a lot

The seems like it goes without saying maybe, and shouldn’t necessarily be a significant alteration in your normal game-day routine. Here, I merely suggest drinking slightly-to-moderately more than you would normally. If your tailgating program normally calls for 2-3 beers, perhaps have 3-5 beers instead. If you are 21 years old, you might consider shotgunning two beers (a double-barreled shotgun, if you will), or perhaps a tallboy, rather than the customary single 12 oz. can. Of course, I stress here the importance of a designated driver to make sure you and all your fellow fans get home safely. In the absence of a willing teetotaler, I urge you to consider Uber, which now has it’s own designated pick-up parking lot right next to the Brat Haus.

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You sure don’t want to see this on your date!

2) Take a pretty girl to the game with you

Or a handsome man, okay, that’s fine, ladies and gay dudes. We are accepting of all cultures here. All I’m saying is, you know, most things are more fun if you can bring a nice-looking person of your chosen gender along with you. Y’all can have a nice chat, maybe enjoy some delicious ballpark nachos, and just really see where the night takes you. In fact, there are only a few places where bringing along a hot date would make things less fun:

  • A prostate exam, OBGYN appointment, or colonoscopy.
  • Your own wedding
  • Oddly enough, the movie theater to see 50 Shades of Gray
  • To fight Batman (no one wants to see you get your butt kicked, loser)
  • A Magic: The Gathering tournament
  • Gary, Indiana

3) Root for some other team

This isn’t necessarily a suggestion for enjoying games that you are attending at Miller Park, but rather for having a nice time during the MLB season in general. Now, I do not want to confuse anyone here: I am not advocating abandoning the Brewers or actively rooting for them to lose so that they acquire a better draft pick; that stuff is for jabronis. When you’re at the game, you just better root, root, root for the home team. I simply want to give you the opportunity to watch a team that has a chance to make some noise in October this year. Here’s a few top options:

  • Kansas City Royals – Did you like rooting for the Brewers during the 2006-2008 seasons? Well guess what, most of those guys are here now. The Royals lineup features former Brewers top prospects Alcides Escobar and Lorenzo Cain, and of course, they’re managed by statewide pariah and world-renowned George W. Bush impersonator Ned Yost. They also have the same style as those nasty jerks from the mid-aughts Brewers that so offended the official Keepers of the Unwritten Rules of Baseball. They may have gone too far a week or so ago, but it’s really, really hard to blame anyone for throwing balls at Brett Lawrie.
  • Whichever team is playing against St. Louis – This has been my second favorite team for years. I’m really looking forward to them hopefully having a great season.
  • Houston Astros – Guess whose got a four game lead in the AL West, that’s right you guessed it, it’s the dang Astros. Why not root for the Astros? Why not?
  • Los Angeles Dodgers – They’re gonna win so you might as well root for the winner if you’re gonna pick another team anyway.
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This is a silly hat, for example

4) Wear a silly hat

There’s all kinds of silly hats you can wear. This one time, myself and a bunch of friends got roaring drunk and entered a kickball tournament, all wearing a bunch of silly hats from my house. There was a guy with a Packers helmet on, one lady wore a bike helmet, and I was wearing a festive felt chicken hat, like the one pictured to the left. The other team was a bunch of people in their 30s and 40s who had blue kickball uniforms and even wore matching baseball pants. They beat us by 30, but I like to imagine that we left with a greater degree of dignity than they did, having taken a kickball game so seriously. Any time a guy wearin’ a dopey chicken hat on his head thinks he’s ahead of you in the dignity standings, it’s time to reevaluate some choices.

Anyway, wear a silly hat to the Brewers game, who cares anyway. Just make sure it doesn’t obstruct the view of the people behind you.

5) Tacos

Find a way to incorporate tacos into your game-day routine. Tacos are the best food and eating a taco will always make a day better than it was before you ate any tacos. For a baseball themed taco, you can try topping your taco with bits of shaved baseballs or splinters from broken bats. Just make sure they’re new ones from the store and not game-used, or else you might get some dirty bits and your taco might be ruined; ruining a taco is among the gravest of game-day sins.

Can you think of any other ways to enjoy a baseball game featuring a bad team, just have a nice time during the summer in general, or do you own a cat? Sound off in the comment section below!

NostaTravis’ 2015 MLB Preview

Hey there pals. Yup that’s right it’s me, appearing before you for the first time, NostaTravis. Well, you know, I heard that baseball season was coming up soon, what with it bein’ April and all, and I thought maybe you all would like to know what was going to happen this year, since the baseball season is pretty long and the games are considered “boring” by some of you less dignified mortals, and you might just not have the patience to stick around and find out who the winner will be come October. So, consider this your **SPOILER ALERT** because if learning the winners of all the games before they happen will upset you, you better just go ahead and check out now.

Some things to note before we get started:

  • I am not very good at this. Last year I predicted that the Diamondbacks would make the playoffs as a Wild Card team (they finished in last place with a record of 64-98) and that the Tampa Bay Rays would win the World Series (at 77-85, the Rays finished 11 games out of the race for the second Wild Card spot). If you make gambling decisions based on my predictions, you will probably lose all of your money.
  • “Travis you big idiot the Brewers aren’t very good you are being a homer.” Read the name of this blog ya chucklehead.
  • Everything written here is exactly as true as you want it to be. Bucky’s Beer Cheese Co. is a magical vehicle powered only by your imagination. Let it run wild.

AL East

1) Baltimore Orioles
2) Boston Red Sox
3) Toronto Blue Jays
4) New York Yankees
5) Tampa Bay Rays

A lot of folks are down on the Orioles this year, which doesn’t make a dang lick of sense; they didn’t do much in the off-season, but they won this division by 12 games last year without Manny Machado and Matt Wieters, they didn’t need to do much … The Rays will have one of the best starting rotations in the league once Alex Cobb and Matt Moore are healthy, but their lineup is abysmal … A-Rod will play this year, which is pretty funny.

brantleymb

Cleveland MVP candidate Michael Brantley, in happier times.

AL Central

1) Cleveland Indians
2) Kansas City Royals*
3) Detroit Tigers
4) Chicago White Sox
5) Minnesota Twins

A couple of years ago, this division was a laughing stock outside of Detroit. Now it’s probably the best division in baseball: I could easily see any one of the four top teams taking it, and the Twins are only a year or two away from contention … The White Sox made a big splash in the free agent market, but a lot of times you don’t see a team click into contention after moves like that until year two … Sure the Tigers are getting old, but they’re not the Yankees yet, and David Price and Miguel Cabrera are still the best pitcher and best hitter in this division.

AL West

1) Los Angeles Angels
2) Seattle Mariners*
3) Oakland Athletics
4) Texas Rangers
5) Houston Astros

Mike Trout is the best player in baseball and it isn’t close. The Angels have a bunch of other nice pieces as well … Oakland was very busy this off-season and made a couple of moves many considered questionable, but they haven’t lost too much … Yu Darvish will miss the season after having Tommy John surgery, which is an absolute tragedy … The Astros still aren’t close. Was the possibility of contending in the nebulous “next year” worth the half decade they’ve put their fans through?

bold-strategy-cotton

The Phillies

NL East

1) Washington Nationals
2) Miami Marlins*
3) New York Mets
4) Atlanta Braves
5) Philadelphia Phillies

A lot of people have dismissed the Nationals’ division championship as a foregone conclusion, which I think is as much an indictment of the rest of the division as it is a crowning for Washington. Everyone else is terrible … That being said, holy cow is Washington’s starting rotation good. Gio Gonzalez is their FIFTH starter — he is better than every pitcher currently employed by the Milwaukee Brewers … The Phillies are sitting at the intersection of really old and really bad. It’s an interesting approach.

NL Central

1) Milwaukee Brewers
2) Pittsburgh Pirates*
3) St. Louis Cardinals
4) Chicago Cubs
5) Cincinnati Reds

“Travis you can’t put the Brewers in first place you are being ridiculous” Oh yeah well guess what idiot I just did, shows what you know … The Brewers are a better team this year than the team that spent 150 days in first place last year. It’s not a stretch to think Jimmy Nelson can produce at the same level Gallardo did last season, Braun is healthy again, they employ an actual first baseman for the first time in three years, and the bullpen is deeeeep … “Travis you can’t put the Cardinals in third place you are being ridiculous” Yes I can fuck the Cardinals … The Cubs are going to be good. Really, really good. But I think they’re still a year away.

NL West

1) Los Angeles Dodgers
2) San Diego Padres
3) San Francisco Giants
4) Colorado Rockies
5) Arizona Diamondbacks

I mean, the Dodgers can afford to outbid everyone for anyone, and they just went on got one of the best penny-pinchers in the game in Andrew Friedman. I’m not sure how well that’s going to play out: he just shelled out 4/$48 for Brandon McCarthy … The Padres were involved in basically every off-season deal all winter, and they’ve obviously improved a league-worst offense immensely. I’m a big fan of their 100% new and improved outfield … The Diamondbacks have about nine major league players on their team, which is pretty good, because there aren’t any on the baseball team that I own. But since most of the other teams in the league have 25, I don’t think they’re gonna have a really nice time.

Playoffs:

Wild Card Games
NL: Marlins over Pirates
AL: Mariners over Royals
Divisional Series
NL: Nationals over Marlins, Dodgers over Brewers
AL: Angels over Mariners, Indians over Orioles
Championship Series
NL: Dodgers over Nationals
AL: Angels over Indians
World Series
Dodgers over Angels

The smirk of a man who knows he's the best in the world.

The smirk of a man who knows he’s the best in the world.

Awards:

MVP
NL: Giancarlo Stanton, Miami
AL: MIke Trout, Los Angeles
Anyone who picks someone other than Trout for MVP is grasping for headlines. Get real.
Cy Young
NL: Clayton Kershaw, Los Angeles
AL: Felix Hernandez, Seattle
Little bit of chalk here, but these are the two best pitchers in the game, health permitting.
Rookie of the Year
NL: Kris Bryant, Chicago
AL: Rusney Castillo, Boston
Boy, I SURE AM EXCITED for the Cubs future.

Well, thanks for taking a look, friend. Feel free to bookmark this post and tell me what an idiot I am during this year’s White Sox-Cubs World Series.