folks friends. Now, let’s not beat around the bush or anything, let’s just talk about the dang elephant in the room. Let’s really get down to brass tacks here. Let’s call a spade a spade. It’s time to face the music, people. It really is.
The Brewers are the worst dang baseball team in the whole league.
And it’s just the pits.
So what are you gonna do? If you’re like me (you know, not totally like me, but a little bit I guess is what I’m saying, anyway just shut up and listen, will you), then you’ve got this whole big stack of Brewers tickets for the rest of the season, because you know, maybe you didn’t think they were going to win the World Series or anything like that, and maybe the playoffs were really a long shot all along if we’re being honest with ourselves, but you kind of figured they’d be playing some meaningful baseball for at least a couple months, and darn it, going to the ball game is just a good time all around, anyway.
But instead the days of the Brewers playing meaningful baseball are already over, and holy crap will you just look at that, it’s not even May yet for Pete’s sake. What in the world! That’s right, at 4-17 (as of Tuesday night), the Brewers are already 10 games out of first place. TEN GAMES! In April! They have a -52 run differential, which is 15 runs worse than the next worst team, Philadelphia. As a team, they are ranked 27th in ERA, 29th in OPS and 27th in Fielding%, the latter of which isn’t even a good stat but shut up the point is, they aren’t good at any of the three parts of playing a baseball game. Plus they keep wearing those Dwight Schrute uniforms, so they don’t even look good while the look bad.
But we’re not here to beat any dead horses, that’s what we have @HoustonRockets for. So just how the heck are you going to have any fun at Miller Park this summer with the Milwaukee Nine playing like the Indians at the beginning of Major League? I’ve heard your cries for help:
“We need a solution, Travis!”
Yeah, I know you do, friends.
“The Brewers sure are bad, aren’t they, bud?”
“What are we to do, Travis? Die in our beds?”
Quit bein’ so dramatic. I’m here to help with some handy tips on how to really spice up your game-day experience:
1) Drink a lot
The seems like it goes without saying maybe, and shouldn’t necessarily be a significant alteration in your normal game-day routine. Here, I merely suggest drinking slightly-to-moderately more than you would normally. If your tailgating program normally calls for 2-3 beers, perhaps have 3-5 beers instead. If you are 21 years old, you might consider shotgunning two beers (a double-barreled shotgun, if you will), or perhaps a tallboy, rather than the customary single 12 oz. can. Of course, I stress here the importance of a designated driver to make sure you and all your fellow fans get home safely. In the absence of a willing teetotaler, I urge you to consider Uber, which now has it’s own designated pick-up parking lot right next to the Brat Haus.
2) Take a pretty girl to the game with you
Or a handsome man, okay, that’s fine, ladies and gay dudes. We are accepting of all cultures here. All I’m saying is, you know, most things are more fun if you can bring a nice-looking person of your chosen gender along with you. Y’all can have a nice chat, maybe enjoy some delicious ballpark nachos, and just really see where the night takes you. In fact, there are only a few places where bringing along a hot date would make things less fun:
- A prostate exam, OBGYN appointment, or colonoscopy.
- Your own wedding
- Oddly enough, the movie theater to see 50 Shades of Gray
- To fight Batman (no one wants to see you get your butt kicked, loser)
- A Magic: The Gathering tournament
- Gary, Indiana
3) Root for some other team
This isn’t necessarily a suggestion for enjoying games that you are attending at Miller Park, but rather for having a nice time during the MLB season in general. Now, I do not want to confuse anyone here: I am not advocating abandoning the Brewers or actively rooting for them to lose so that they acquire a better draft pick; that stuff is for jabronis. When you’re at the game, you just better root, root, root for the home team. I simply want to give you the opportunity to watch a team that has a chance to make some noise in October this year. Here’s a few top options:
- Kansas City Royals – Did you like rooting for the Brewers during the 2006-2008 seasons? Well guess what, most of those guys are here now. The Royals lineup features former Brewers top prospects Alcides Escobar and Lorenzo Cain, and of course, they’re managed by statewide pariah and world-renowned George W. Bush impersonator Ned Yost. They also have the same style as those nasty jerks from the mid-aughts Brewers that so offended the official Keepers of the Unwritten Rules of Baseball. They may have gone too far a week or so ago, but it’s really, really hard to blame anyone for throwing balls at Brett Lawrie.
- Whichever team is playing against St. Louis – This has been my second favorite team for years. I’m really looking forward to them hopefully having a great season.
- Houston Astros – Guess whose got a four game lead in the AL West, that’s right you guessed it, it’s the dang Astros. Why not root for the Astros? Why not?
- Los Angeles Dodgers – They’re gonna win so you might as well root for the winner if you’re gonna pick another team anyway.
4) Wear a silly hat
There’s all kinds of silly hats you can wear. This one time, myself and a bunch of friends got roaring drunk and entered a kickball tournament, all wearing a bunch of silly hats from my house. There was a guy with a Packers helmet on, one lady wore a bike helmet, and I was wearing a festive felt chicken hat, like the one pictured to the left. The other team was a bunch of people in their 30s and 40s who had blue kickball uniforms and even wore matching baseball pants. They beat us by 30, but I like to imagine that we left with a greater degree of dignity than they did, having taken a kickball game so seriously. Any time a guy wearin’ a dopey chicken hat on his head thinks he’s ahead of you in the dignity standings, it’s time to reevaluate some choices.
Anyway, wear a silly hat to the Brewers game, who cares anyway. Just make sure it doesn’t obstruct the view of the people behind you.
Find a way to incorporate tacos into your game-day routine. Tacos are the best food and eating a taco will always make a day better than it was before you ate any tacos. For a baseball themed taco, you can try topping your taco with bits of shaved baseballs or splinters from broken bats. Just make sure they’re new ones from the store and not game-used, or else you might get some dirty bits and your taco might be ruined; ruining a taco is among the gravest of game-day sins.
Can you think of any other ways to enjoy a baseball game featuring a bad team, just have a nice time during the summer in general, or do you own a cat? Sound off in the comment section below!